Translating…
Do It Yourself
I apologize if the title of this article sucked you in. I am probably the world’s worst example of a handyman. So I decided to write an article with this silly title just to be able to explain to you how I got hooked into believing such a statement.
As head of the household (my wife lets me say that but smiles rather wickedly as she does) it has fallen to me to fix the toilet whenever it doesn’t work. She is convinced that with this lofty title I should be able to fix a toilet effortlessly.
Step One
Normally I would suggest that step one is to phone the plumber. However in today’s society it seems that this is an admission of inadequacy and also can be a very expensive alternative. I find that I am capable of absorbing the embarrassment and the expense but not so easily the family humiliation.
So, the first thing I do is go to the toilet and flush it. This way I can discover that it really does not work. Usually this results in a flood which is sometimes only minor but more frequently major. It seems that everyone in the household has tried this remedy first and only when they realize that it is going to cause a serious flood do they summon the head of the household to take charge.
Step Two
After cleaning up the flood I make every attempt to locate the family plunger. This has been a friend in the past and hopefully will continue with this relationship. I pump and pump and pump with no success. It is usually at this point that the most junior member of the household suggests that maybe I should put more water in the bowl so that the plunger has half a chance of success.
What turns out to be the truth is that there must be enough water to well cover the plunger in order for it to have any chance of success.
After adding sufficient water I tax my sore muscles once again and try to dislodge the blockage, assuming that is the problem.
Step Three
If the plunger doesn’t work I realize it is time for a nap. I need the rest to restore the proper functioning of my poor muscles in my arms, shoulders and back.
After my nap and possibly a snack in order to keep my strength up, I resort to trying to find a wire clothes hanger or two that has nothing hanging on them. You have no idea how difficult that can be in my house. My wife and daughter seem never to have enough hangers. Consequently they are all well and truly laden.
When I manage to dislodge one I destroy it by making it a straight line with a hook on the end. I then insert this clever tool and try to hook the blockage and jiggle it enough to dislodge it and dream that then a sturdy flush will do the trick and clear the blockage.
Sometimes it actually works. Often it does not.
Step Four
Actually I am back at the beginning. It is time to swallow my pride, rob a bank and phone the plumber.
This almost always works and eventually is worth all the negative aspects of this step.
Conclusion
There is no secret and there is no perfect way to cope with this ever present dilemma for the exalted head of the household. So, I will see you at the pub tonight for several rounds to celebrate the success and humiliation of having fixed the toilet.